Letters to Parks & Marlee (3/16/11 - 11:25pm)

**3/16/11 (11:25pm)**

Parks and Marlee,

Mommy is having a hard time right now.  I was discharged from the hospital around 7:00pm today after the doctor was comfortable with my blood pressure not posing any serious risks, so we had to leave without you since you are still in the NICU and not ready to leave yet.  Giving you your last feeding while we were there and then driving away was extremely difficult, and now being at home without you just feels incomplete.  I continue to remind myself that you are both just getting the help and support you need, and you are going to get strong and healthy before we bring you home.  I know we will have a lifetime together, but it's just so hard to be away from you.  I realize some of my feelings are not logical, but I want to be honest about what I am thinking.  I feel very guilty.  I feel like I didn't do a good job of growing you in my belly for long enough.  I was so confident that you would both keep growing for as long as the doctors would let you (38 weeks).  I was overly confident.  I am mad at myself for that.  I should have been focused on growing you two for as long as I possibly could instead of whining and joking about wanting to meet you sooner than 38 weeks.  I wish I could have done something differently so you would be growing right now without having to try so hard for it.  I'm still supposed to be eating for you and breathing for you and protecting you.  I wish I still could.  You shouldn't have to work to get your nutrients right now.  I'm so sorry sweet babies.

When daddy and I got home, we didn't know what to do with ourselves.  We both paced the house and did little things around the house (mostly in your room) to keep busy.  We can't stay out of your nursery...I just can't wait until you are chubby little babies taking naps in your room. I really think you're going to love it.  Grandma and Grandpa just painted it on Friday (the day before you were born) and we are going to finish decorating it soon.

I am going to cut this letter short because daddy and I need to spend some time together.  We both love you very much and will be back to see you in the morning.

All my love,

Mommy